Familial Counsel

What I’ve learned about myself and the world in general via family over the last few weeks, during which time I have had very little contact with anyone who is not related to me:

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Advice from Grandma:

“Words can never be unsaid.”

Never take a complement at face value. Most of the time they’re just flattering you in order to manipulate you.

If you need a date, just go to Whole Foods. You can pick him out of the lettuce section. “I always wear makeup to Whole Foods.”

Diagnosis from Mom:

“Well, you are a little retarded. Socially retarded.” (Feelings. Not. Hurt.)

“You need to be more feminine.” (No mom, I do not want to wear a fluffy lavender-colored sweater with a ruffled collar.)

Uncle Says:

Parker Schnabel. (He is a seventeen-year-old who runs a gold mine featured in the reality series “Gold Rush Alaska,” and for some reason has become somewhat of a hero around these parts. Seriously, on Christmas weekend we did not watch the football/basketball/whatever game. We watched re-runs of “Gold Rush” and rooted for Parker. Don’t ask me!)

Auntie Says:

“What would Parker Schnabel do?” (A question to ask oneself when faced with a tough decision.)

Constructive Criticism from Brother:

“Your guitar playing makes me want to blow my brains out.” Note that this is coming from the same guy who listens to Kings of Leon and also, confusingly, makes hasty generalizations like:

“Bob Dylan is the greatest musician of all time!”

Notes from Sister:

“You’re sooooo old! I don’t know anyone in 9th grade who has a sister as old as you!”  (Gee thanks, but really, don’t blame me for that one.)

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Can I go back to Berkeley now?